It's the first Christmas without you.
Strange that this time, it was not being physically far from you that hurt the most. We hadn't spent Christmas together for over 5 years... but every year I could wish you a happy Christmas and hear your voice giving me your blessing. This year, though, I wasn't with you physically, but the worst thing was that you weren't there for me to wish you a happy Christmas. Or to hear your voice or your blessing. I thought of you all the time, Mother. I'm sure you know that. And all I wanted for Christmas this year was a "phone call from Heaven". For obvious reasons, I didn't get it.
I imagine it must have been really, really bad for dad and sisters, since they always spent Christmas with you. They went to Dan's parents' house for Christmas. I spoke with them and even tried asking a couple of times how it had gone, but how can you ask your sisters or dad :"how was the first Christmas without Mother around?". That's just ridiculous, isn't it? Mine was good, I had all hubby's loving family around, as always. But the thought that you weren't around (that you aren't' and will never be again) hurts so much!
I saw this video on YouTube today. It's a video of a song I've always loved and I think you used to play on the piano. It's called Claire de Lune. The video is part of the Disney animation Fantasia and it reminded me of you, of your going up to Heaven. Of you being freed from all the pain that the stupid cancer brought you... of you flying freely towards the moon, guided by an angel... I always wonder what comes after that, and how happy you must be now, and how healthy you must be... I hope you can see us from up there and feel all the love we have for you and that we are trying to fulfil your dreams for us. I hope you don't see us crying, though. Or I hope you don't see the nights we wake up and can't go back to sleep, thinking of you, or whatever happened to you in your last hours on this earth.
I only hope you are embraced by our love and our longing for a kiss and loving words from you again in Heaven.
Eu te amo, mae.
Your oldest daughter.